Pet Peeves - Part 1

One of my favorite shows is “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”, and it’s not just because I interned there, although that may have swayed my opinion slightly. Jimmy sometimes does a sketch where he dresses up like Robert Pattinson, climbs in a tree, and discusses things that bother Robert. Not surprisingly, the sketch is called “Robert is Bothered.” In the past, things like Valentine’s Day, sharks, Snickers, and even “New Moon” have bothered Robert. If you haven’t seen any of these sketches yet, I highly recommend Googling them; there’s some really funny stuff.

In the vein of Robert is Bothered, I have decided to come up with a list of some things that bother me.

1. Shorthand texting
I’ll admit to doing this sometimes when I’m in a rush, but there is no excuse for receiving a text like “Cn’t w8 2 c u!” It doesn’t look efficient, it just looks dumb and it makes you look dumb for sending it. It’s okay to shorten the occasional word, although if people wrote the actual word instead of a 2, they might finally learn the difference between to and too…

2. Tourists in New York City
This can probably be widened to tourists in general, but I live in New York City so I’ll use that as my reference point. For starters, tourists walk too slowly. Why, do you ask? It’s probably because they take pictures of everything. The buildings are tall, I get it, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessary to photograph every free-standing structure from Rockefeller Center to Canal street, and there is certainly no need to look like an extra from a Richard Simmons workout video while doing so. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I was eating in a restaurant with my sister and witnessed a tourist take out her camera so she could take a picture of the hamburger she was about to eat. Last I checked, hamburgers are not a particularly unique food, and the thousands of McDonalds restaurants worldwide are proof of that very fact. To be fair, my own father is somewhat similar to the tourists I have been referring to, although in his defense he has never photographed a hamburger. But if there is a majestic tree in the distance or some ancient rock formation, he whips the camera from his fanny pack faster than the oil currently spewing into the Gulf of Mexico. This is why, while on family vacations, I try to stay 10 feet away from him at all times.

3. Ridiculously unhealthy food
America has long been a haven for unhealthy food and gargantuan portions, but with the recent introduction of things like Coldstone’s PB&C Shake (a milkshake with peanut butter and chocolate that’s equivalent to eating 68 pieces of bacon) and KFC’s Double Down (a sandwich with bacon, cheese, and two fried chicken fillets instead of bread) it’s easy to see why the French hate us. With the exception of Jacques Cousteau, I’m not a big fan of the French, but I agree with them on this front despite the fact that I also think the PB&C Shake sounds delicious. However, there is a silver lining to this morbidly obese cloud; the Double Down can be made with grilled chicken instead of fried chicken, welcome news to those of us watching our figures…

4. Equally ridiculous names
Someone just relayed a story to me about a little girl named Na-a (pronounced NAH DASH AH, of course) and that name is nothing short of ridiculous. Symbols should never be a part of one’s name, and there is nothing left to do but blame the awful pop singer Ke$ha for this stupid trend. It is also not okay to name your child Phinneaus, Apple or Banjo. Even celebrities should stay away from giving their offspring names that make them sound like they’re a character from The Odyssey, and names that are nouns.

Here’s hoping that whatever job I do eventually land will not involve a tourist named Banjo who says “g2g ttyl!” while wolfing down a nice 2,010 calorie PB&C shake.